Supernatural Media Bias.... The "Horrors" of Inequity

(Disclaimer: This post is purely satirical and intended to be read for entertainment purposes.  No other interpretations are intended, please read as such.)

This is my first post in over a year, which should speak to it’s importance.  I have noticed what I believe to be a disturbing trend in the American media that has dire consequences for all of us common folk.  Yes…as you may have suspected, I’m talking about pro-Vampire/anti-Zombie media bias.  The title of “Horrors of Inequity” has a double meaning in this instance.  We are all aware of the liberal media bias, President Obama is on the cover of every publication and newspaper touted as a hero while any disagreement with him (even factually based) is immediately labeled “racist.” Yet this vampire vs. zombie rift if far more insidious in nature and flies under the radar for most of us.  Following some brief introductory facts, this post will be grouped into three main categories, media portrayal of vampires, media portrayal of zombies, and finally, the political and social consequences of bias.

Introductory Facts:
From an objective standpoint what do we know about these two creatures?  Perhaps the following chart can help us draw some parallels:

	Vampires	Zombies
Walking Dead	Yes	Yes
Feed on Human Beings	Yes	Yes
Convert Victims From Bites	Yes	Yes

On paper, zombies and vampires are no different.  In fact some may find Zombies to be superior because they don’t suffer from the sunlight and garlic allergies that afflict vampires, and don’t need an invitation to enter your home and eat your brains.  Also, vampires drink blood which is not very intelligent.  Blood carries all types of disease, including HIV/AIDS and hepatitis.  Meanwhile, zombies eat brains (some argue the sexiest part of a person), sounds pretty smart to me!  Of course the media would have you believe that makes zombies thugs that will break into your house, while vampires are too polite and intelligent.  (We will delve into zombie/vampire test scores and crime rates in depth later in the post)  First we must look at how the media shapes our perceptions of these creatures by analyzing how they are portrayed.


Team Edward (Media Portrayal of Vampirism):
Turn on the television or look at the movies playing in the theater and you will see productions that romanticize vampires as dark, lustful, brooding characters of great passion and intrigue.  Has a vampire ever been portrayed as dim-witted or unsuccessful?  Are we to believe there aren’t some black sheep vampires out there?  This indoctrination of a populous with half-truths used to be known as “propaganda,” where I come from.

Look at our vampire leading men and women, we have Edward Cullen, a cultured vampire from a philanthropic family who believes in chivalry to the highest degree.   There is Colin Ferrel who brings masculine sexuality to the screen in "fright night", and even as an alcoholic womanizing vampire he is celebrated.  Then there is interview with the vampire (Brad Pitt) and “True Blood” on HBO, which are both essentially vampire pornography thinly veiled as drama.  On the female side we see Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather suit (leaves nothing to the imagination) making pouty faces as she annihilates werewolves with extreme prejudice.  I remember a quote from the band “Bush” in the 90’s that stated “there’s no sex in your violence.”  Apparently we don’t hold vampires to such a standard!  In addition, our vampire heroes always reside in large sprawling mansions, collect fine art, and drive the nicest sport’s cars money can buy (more on systematic income disparity later).

Team Jacob-stein (Media Portrayal of Zombification):
In the same light, when we look at how the media portrays zombies we see the opposite.  Dysfunctional, poorly educated, terrible hygiene, nomadic… any malady that you can attribute to a person is transferred upon these poor zombies.  The counterpart to “True Blood” is “The Walking Dead,” where hoards of zombies are shot or bludgeoned to death with no questions asked, and usually for minding their own business.  In the movies, zombies are butchered en-mass for comedic effect while they clumsily walk around oblivious to their plight.  The stars in these movies are the ones killing the zombies, which is in contrast to the vampires who play the role of the anti-hero.

I seem to remember learning about a word to describe an entire race or ethnicity being killed for no reason other than their appearance….what was that word?… oh yes, GENOCIDE.  If you think that killing large groups of zombies for sport is funny, you must have gotten a real kick out of the holocaust as well.  This all brings me to my last point…the unintended political and social consequences of media bias.


Mothers Don’t Let Your Sons Grow up to be Zombies (Consequences of Bias):
We know that the statistics don’t lie folks, Zombies are statistically more likely to be convicted of violent crime.  Vampires SAT and standardized tests scores are significantly higher than those of their zombie counterparts.  But I ask you, how can we blame a zombie for being a product of his or her environment.  Vampires have a plethora of systematic advantages over zombies that lead to these large disparities.  These negative aspects of zombie life are more a result of their socio-economic status than their craving for brains.

Vampires have more economic resources than zombies, their family trees are largely rooted in royalty, such is the case with Count Dracula. The first vampires had great wealth which they shared with their converts, this dates all the way back to the feudal system.  Vampirism began in the ranks of the elite in a deal with the devil for their soul, hence how they become immortal .  Now many of us are familiar with the time value of money, or the principal of compounding interest.  These vampires have been investing their wealth since the 1400’s, do you have any idea what the compounding interest of 600 years can add up to?  Couple this with an inequitable tax code on capital gains, and the rich only get richer.

In contrast, due to people’s perceptions of zombies, many competent and skilled zombie workers are victims of prejudice in hiring.  It is perceived that they are lazy and transient, and won’t be reliable workers.  The high unemployment rate of zombies is a direct result of the media’s constant attack on their accountability!  This inability to find steady work only widens the income gap between zombies and vampires.  Also, many zombies grow up in single parent homes (because their parent(s) were victims of zombie hate crime) which means less parent contact and less discipline.  Human on zombie hate crime is at an all time high, and it only re-enforces the negative cycle of violence in the young zombie mind.  When looking for a role model...which one of these would you choose?

My question is this… If zombies were given positive role models and a fair chance at social mobility, don’t you think we would see more successful zombie youth?  I would like to hear a young zombie say “someday, I want to be president,” or “someday I’m going to discover a vaccine to rid me of this virus that causes my insatiable craving for human flesh.”  As a person with a zombie family member, I have seen the detrimental impact our media has on a zombie’s psyche and self-esteem.  So I urge you to contact your elected officials and urge them to stop anti-zombie bias in the media.  Let’s start to make a difference in a young zombie’s life.  United we stand, divided we fall!

The Boys of Fall.... How we feel... and why?

Here we are, the first weekend of September... and with it comes the start of football season.  This time of year is so bittersweet for people like me, filled with excitement, anticipation, and unfortunately, longing.  Ironically my first real post on this blog will be about the only aspect of my life in which I allow emotion to trump logic.  If you were to tell me that I could make a deal with the devil to play another four years of college football, I would sign on the dotted line without an afterthought.  I don't really think I would even consider the price or penalty of such a decision, nor would it impact my response.  I know (or at least think) that many of my past teammates or members of the "Fisher Football Family" feel the same way.  This will be a long one...please bear with me.

A recent conversation with my friend Jeff lent perfect perspective to the feeling of.....post football traumatic stress syndrome.  This is Jeff's first year A.F. (after football).  I feel like there should be a support group for us, I know exactly how he feels watching his old team from the sidelines for the first time.  I assured him that he would learn how to handle the feeling better, but it would never go away.  As I suspected he knew exactly what I was talking about.  As Jeff put it, "I feel inadequate."  There it was. We agreed. I have a professional career, Jeff will be attending a law school, we look like we are successful people.  Yet inside, we feel like we have no purpose, like we are not doing what we are clearly designed and intended to do, what we have known for years.

So lets do the analysis gig on this... Why is this?

I've heard it a thousand times, football is just a game.  No.  Billiards is a game.  Football is more than that, I consider it a state of being... you have to give yourself to it and you'll never get that piece back.  I don't respond by saying that, I just say "yea I guess."  Because the bottom line is, someone who hasn't lived it is incapable of understanding the feeling.  I guess that makes this entire post irrelevant, oh well you got this far might as well read on.  I think a quote I once heard says it best:
"From the outside looking in, you can't understand it; From the inside looking out, you can't explain it."
I think we feel this way because football meets all of our sociological needs.  A sense of belonging, accountability to a group, a bundle of rituals and order, and a challenge and reward for your efforts.  We'll look at these one by one.

Sense Belonging/Accountability:
There is no other sport where trust and accountability play such a vital role.  Look at basketball or hockey, one great player can carry a team on his/her shoulders.  In football its 11 players, and if even one of them doesn't trust someone else to do their job, the whole group suffers.  Some people play a sport for themselves, but you play football for everyone else.  I've coached and seen football teams where people play for themselves... their seasons are over quickly and abruptly.

I look at summer lacrosse leagues I play in, or attempt to.  There are dozens of guys (current college players) that register for these leagues, yet by the end of summer they are canceled for lack of attendance.  Why?  Because bro, when you're a laxer, you just show up and roll, bro.  Drink some brewskis and chill man, its all good.... Well, unless you want me to work out in the off-season or skip my kan-jam session to be at a game, "that's whack bro."  I feel as if there was a group of college football players running an off-season passing league, they would be there for the commitment, and if someone wasn't he would hear about it from the rest of the group.  Football is amazing in policing its-self in that aspect.  Maybe that is why such a small percentage of players who begin a college career end it, it takes immense dedication, and some sacrifice.... not everyone is willing to pay that price.

Rituals and Order:
Sure there are the large rituals.  Tuesday is full contact day, Thursday is 2 minute drill, Friday walk-through. I used to hate practice, it sucks.  Don't get me wrong, it always sucked, yet I began to embrace it, its necessary, it creates....improvement.  Then there's pre-game meals, meetings, warm-ups, all of these big rituals promote order.  Yet, what I think of is the little things, the ...gulp.... emotional things.  It's about the feeling of 67 degrees, the fall breeze blowing leaves over the field, it just feels like football, love, excitement, thrilling uncertainty.  Trying to catch my breath while I look for hand signals, every 20 seconds, its tough to do, it happens so fast - lights flashing, colors blazing in front of you.  You try to take it all in, experience it and become one with it in just 20 seconds.  Then its over, get the call, line up, collect yourself.... its happening again.

Its also about eating the same exact thing 3 hours before the game, putting each pad in your pants in the same order, taping, strapping, tying... everything has to be just right.  Then you wake up one day and you have no taping to do, no strapping, no warm ups, no meetings, no rush.... what do I do now?

Challenge and Reward:
This is the most impressive part of the sport in my opinion.  You spend 4/5 years of your life, 2 hours a day, workouts, spring/summer/fall, films.  Yet you only get 40 chances, if you're lucky, to enjoy the fruits of your labor.  In each of those contests, you really will only play for 15 minutes of true exertion.  Think about that, a year's worth of full-time commitment for what is really a couple hours of reward.  Maybe that is why I can't remember what I learned in XYZ class, or even what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but I vividly remember even the most subtle minutia of every second on that field.  We learn techniques so specific that one little missed read step or one split second of indecision can lose a game, and a lost game can cost a season. Pierre Garcon reminds of me of that rather frequently when I watch him on Sundays.

So there it is... I apologize for the rambling.  But I think this explains why people like me can deal with major catastrophes in life rather well, yet tear up when college game day comes on, or they hear the speech in "Rudy" or "Any Given Sunday."  And it is why we prominently display our team colors in a picture on the wall, because:

This place to most people is bricks and turf and bleachers.  But to us, its our birthplace, our workplace, and maybe figuratively our resting place (for a piece of us at least).  What comes next is up to us....We will go on and have careers, and families, and many successes and failures, but we will never forget what shaped who we are and will always be a part of us.